The Pig Chronicles
by alizep
Summary: A short series about the misadventures of the Senshi and the Shitennou. Mostly Venus & Kunzite, but everyone gets a part. Written for sm monthly Alternate Universe challenge.
1. Be Careful What You Ask For

This is a collection of drabbles that somehow work to make for a cute short story. I'll post another chapter in a few days. All reviews are appreciated and very much doted upon...Enjoy!

Disclaimer - still not my characters...

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Mina, Usagi, and Ami strolled down the aisles of the large pet store, glancing at the lined rows of aquariums that filled several walls. Ami pointed out several fish to Mina as they passed by, but Mina dismissed them all with a wave of her hand. As they turned the corner they came across cages filled with an assortment of small furry animals. Usagi excitedly pressed her face to each glass covered surface, declaring that she must have one of each. Mina glanced at the cages but shrugged her shoulders, continuing down the aisle with Ami dragging Usagi behind her.

Suddenly Mina stopped and gasped, pointing excitedly at the display on the floor. "That is what I want!" she decreed.

"I don't know, Mina," Ami looked at the small animal within and attempted to steer the blonde away. "You said that Kai agreed to something small."

"He never gave a definition of small….." Mina placed her hand under her chin and debated the different ways she could interpret the word "small".

Ami gave up on trying to move the blonde and shook her head in defeat. Usagi finally joined the other two girls and squealed in delight. "Oh, Mina! I want one too!"

Several hours later, Kai arrived home at the apartment he and Mina shared, and looked around cautiously when he didn't see her bouncing over to him as the door closed. This could only mean one thing, he worried - she bought something big. How bad could it be though? It's not like she could have bought a Bengal tiger or anything at the local pet store, right? Although this was Mina that he was dealing with here….

"Mina," he called, putting his keys on the small table near the door. "Are you home?"

"I'll be right out!" she called from the bedroom.

His eyes continued to scan the room looking for any signs of an animal about to skitter under his feet or else leap out and attack him. She emerged from the bedroom with a smile on her face that made him cringe at what her next words might be. "So did you go to the pet store today?" he prompted.

"Yes, I went with Usagi and Ami," she responded with a bored tone.

"Did you see anything you liked?"

She shrugged her shoulders. "I did."

"And?"

"We looked at everything. In fact, I think we spent the better part of the day there," she answered dramatically while crossing the room to kiss him. "Ami was fascinated by the fish and Usagi spent most of her time looking at a small bunny, which was cute and all, but I don't quite see you as the type of guy to own a bunny." She started walking towards the kitchen, but stopped to look back at him. "You're not are you?"

"Not particularly," he answered with bated breath.

"I didn't think so either." She shook her head and walked into the kitchen. The sound of the fridge being opened, followed by the hiss of a soda can drifted out into the living room.

"So did you get a fish like Ami suggested then?" he asked hopefully, moving to lean against the wall leading into the kitchen. Good old Ami, you can always count on her for a sensible solution. Unless Mina took her advice the wrong way and purchased some sort of shark…. This was not going to end well he feared.

"No," she strolled out of the kitchen and back into the living room. "But they did have one thing that I absolutely fell in love with and I think you could learn to love him too."

"And would that be?" he grabbed the soda can from her hand as she passed by and took a drink.

"A pot-belly pig!" she exclaimed, laughing as he nearly choked on the soda.

"Mina, please tell me you didn't get a pig," he begged, putting the soda down on the table and crossing over to her. She giggled and suddenly he felt filled with dread. Apparently the words something "small and easy to take care of" managed to elude her.

"I thought about it for a while, but then Usagi bought it instead," she sighed, looking disappointed.

Kai couldn't contain his excitement and pulled her into his arms, embracing her in a hug. "I'm sorry, Mina," he said. "You must be disappointed." Kai chuckled to himself thinking about the conversation that Mamoru must surely be having with Usagi.

"Well I was at first," she started to answer, "but then I realized that you probably wouldn't have wanted a pig either."

"Only if it would have made you happy," he lied, thinking that he was safe now.

"Which is why I decided that we should get a cat."

"A what?" he frowned.

"A cat," she repeated. "You look like the kind of guy who would want a cat," she nodded satisfactorily at her answer, "which is why I think we should go pick one out together. Maybe after dinner tonight?" her voice was hopeful as she looked up at him.

She smiled brightly and he couldn't bring himself to tell her otherwise. Although that didn't mean that he couldn't lie his way out of this. "I think that would be a great idea, except I'm terribly allergic to cats."

"Oh," she chewed on her lower lip contemplating her other options. "Then maybe we can get something that sheds less. Maybe even something a little more exotic." The excitement started to return to her voice.

He could see the wheels turning in her head and he prepared himself for the worst. "Maybe we should put off on getting a pet."

"Well," she said suggestively, "I suppose we could skip the whole pet thing all together."

"We could do that…."

"And just have a baby instead."


	2. The Whole Truth & Nothing But the Truth

"I talked to Mamoru today," Kai said to Mina as she walked through the front door.

"Oh," she replied, dropping her purse on the floor and leaving her shoes in front of the door, much to his obvious annoyance. "That's funny, he didn't mention anything while I was over there." She crossed the room to sit next to him on the couch, draping her legs over his lap and running her fingers across the surface of his buzzed haircut. She often teased him for keeping his hair so short and more than once joked that he should grow it out. He often paid little attention to her ramblings when it came to his hair.

"So how was Usagi?" he asked.

"You're not going to tell me what you talked about?"

"The pig."

"He's very cute. You should stop by and see him some time."

"I could," he responded, "or I can wait until you think it's safe to being it here."

"What are you talking about?" she asked innocently.

"Usagi confessed everything to Mamoru about how you really bought the pig and how you bribed her to pretend it was her's and not yours."

"He said all that?" Mina shook her head, clicking her tongue. "This is an obvious case of 'having remorse over buyer's spilt milk'," she nodded her head firmly to emphasize her point.

"Mina," he shook his head trying not to laugh at her botched attempt at reciting the saying. "It's 'there's no use crying over spilt milk'."

Her eyes opened wide. "Mamoru was crying?" her tone sounded shocked by his words.

"No, I meant you got the saying wrong. I think you meant to say he has a case of buyer's remorse."

"And it's a shame too," she attempted to stand but he pulled on her arm to keep her on the couch. "We don't have to be at the restaurant for a while if that's what you're getting at," she smiled and leaned forward to kiss him.

He placed his finger over her lips to stop her. "Don't change the subject. Why didn't you tell me?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Swear it, Mina."

"Of course, yeah yeah," she waved her hand.

"Uh-uh. Say the words 'I swear to God'."

"I said I do," she pouted.

"Say it."

"I swear to..." she looked into his eyes and smiled. "I just thought that if you had some time to think about it..." She watched as he started to frown. "Fine, I'll return the pig." She sniffled and started to chew her lower lip. "I just thought that maybe you would like it if I surprised you, but I'm sorry that I made you angry, and I'm sorry that I lied, and...and..."

"Mina," he said, stroking her hair.

"No, Kai, you're right. It was the wrong thing to do and I'm going to apologize to Mamoru for the trouble that I caused. It's just unfortunate that this poor pig has become a victim in all of this. I don't know how I'll ever find a good home for him now. He just looked so lonely sitting in his cage with all those people walking past him and no one stopping."

"Fine," he said exasperated, "you can keep the pig."

She looked up at him with bright eyes and smiled. "I'm going to call Usagi to tell her the good news right now!" She kissed him on the cheek and jumped off the couch to grab her cell from her purse.

Kai shook his head in defeat realizing that he never stood a chance in this conversation.


	3. Bedroom Antics

Here's the next installment! Please review - they really make my day!

--

"Mina!" Kai yelled from the bedroom.

"I said I'd be right there!" she answered from the bathroom.

"Not in a minute, Mina – now!"

"You can be so impatient sometimes…."she grumbled.

"I can still hear you," he growled at her.

She sighed. "Don't you want me to look my best for you?" she asked in her sweetest voice.

"I don't really care how you look."

The sound of something heavy falling on the floor drifted from the bedroom. "My my, you are certainly raring to go today."

"Can you blame me?" his voice was somewhat irate.

"Is that anyway to talk to the love of your life?"

"Mina, you always look beautiful to me. Now please come into the bedroom and stop making me wait."

"Wait until you see what I have on," she giggled.

He rolled his eyes and sat down on the bed. "I can hardly wait," he exhaled. The sound of the bathroom door opening caught his attention and he looked at the blonde who was striking a sexy pose in the doorway. It was almost worth all the waiting just to see her standing there.

"Tah-dah!" she stepped into the bedroom and swirled around, modeling the yellow sundress she had just put on. "Now I'm ready!" she smiled seductively.

"Aren't you just a little overdressed?"

"Better over than under I suppose," she answered thoughtfully. "So where's the Baby?"

"The baby?" he raised an eyebrow in amusement.

"Until I can come up with a better name I'm calling him Baby."

"I had it cornered and if you had been a little quicker we would have been able to catch it."

"I can't believe that a big strong man like you is being outmatched by a little pot-belly pig." She clicked her tongue as she walked over to the bed to pat him on the back. "Don't worry, Kai, I'll take care of it this time! Baby!" she called walking out of the bedroom.

Kai chuckled, watching her as she chased after the elusive little pig.


	4. Pet Names

Here's the next installment! Please review - it makes my day that much happier...really...  
And most importantly before I get on with the chapter, these characters are still not mine no matter how many times I beg and plead...

--

Normally the guys Friday night poker game would have been held at Nick's house since his home was the largest out of the five of them, however Mina insisted that everyone come to their place tonight so that she could show off her new "Baby", the pig. The guys all sat at the dining room table with cards in hand and chips spread out in front of them, while the girls sat in assorted places in the living room watching Usagi play with the pig. For the better part of the night the guys had all taken turns taking jabs at Kai for the new addition to his household, and even his fiercest of looks was not enough to silence the laughter.

"I know he's not a puppy," Nick laughed, "but does it sleep in bed with the both of you?"

"God no," Kai replied trading in two of his cards.

"Maybe you should be worried about being replaced. It looks like it's a lot more affectionate than you," Joel chuckled.

"If you're jealous because your girlfriend has spent more time with that pig in the last hour than she has with you your entire relationship that's not my problem." He looked over to Mamoru and threw some chips into the growing pile. "I'm calling your bluff."

"So when Mina calls it Baby –" Mamoru started to say.

"Don't even go there," Kai warned. Zane quietly threw some chips onto the pile and stared intently at his cards. "You don't have anything to say?" Kai asked Zane.

"I'm too busy trying to decide if I should go ahead and win this round with the best hand I may have ever had in my life, or to fold so that you can take the pot and put it towards the Baby's college fund," he said trying not to laugh.

Kai shook his head and watched as Makoto started to play with the little pig. This pig seemed to be more trouble than it was worth and he started to think that maybe next weekend they should have a barbeque when Mina looked up at him with laughter in her eyes. He sighed to himself thinking that if it made her this happy it couldn't be all that bad.

"Kai," Mina yelled over. "I think I have the perfect name picked out," she smiled triumphantly. "Daisy."

"Daisy?" Kai asked in disbelief.

"You have to be kidding me," Joel laughed.

"Mina, you do know that's a girl's name right?" Zane asked her

"And?" she replied defiantly.

"And that pig is a boy," Joel said slowly.

"You don't like the name I picked out?" her smile started to fade.

"It's perfect, Mina," Kai said, watching as her smile returned. She blew him a kiss before turning her attention back to the other girls.

"So I wonder what little pet names she has for you, Kai," Mamoru said low enough so that only the guys could hear him. "Would that be sweet-ums, or cuddlecakes, or maybe even lumpkins? That's always a favorite."

"What was it that Usagi called you…" Kai tapped his cards against his chin as if he were deep in thought.

"I love my girlfriend," Mamoru said, bracing himself for the worst.

"That's good to hear," Kai said throwing some more chips into the pile. "Prince Pookie."


	5. It's Not Easy

**I'm only a man  
In a funny red sheet  
And it's not easy...**

It's not easy to be me

Mina and Kai sat curled up on the couch watching a movie. It was late on a Thursday night and a storm had been raging outside for the past hour. The sound of the thunder had finally settled down to a dull roar, but the lighting was still enough to illuminate the room intermittently. They had attempted to go to bed earlier that night, but the pig had been so distraught by the storm that he squealed every time they left him alone. Mina was clearly upset at the thought of leaving the "poor thing", as she put it, in his pen and Kai adamantly refused to let him into bed with them. So to compromise he suggested that they stay up and watch a movie until the storm died down. Mina sat closely next to him, resting her head on his chest with his arm draped around her, twirling strands of her hair. Butch - as Kai secretly called the pig in an effort to save the poor swine from his emasculating name - plopped itself halfway on the couch and halfway onto Mina's lap. The thing wasn't so bad once he got used to it, and when it was sleeping, and not making any noise, and not taking up all of Mina's attention….

"You know what I think, Kai?" Mina asked as she yawned loudly.

"What's that?" he responded, rubbing the soft strands of her hair between his fingers.

"I think you would make a great Superman."

"You say that about every main character of every movie we watch. How many people can I be?"

"I mean it this time," she smacked his chest playfully. He grabbed the offending hand and trapped her fingers within his grasp. "I happen to think that you would look sexy in a cape."

"What about the spandex?"

"Hm…." She shrugged her shoulders. "I suppose we could do without the spandex. But definitely a cape," she yawned again.

"Is this before or after I grow my hair long?" She tilted her head up to look at him and he chuckled. "Just trying to make sure that I get the details right."

"Well I do love the idea of long hair, but I don't know about long hair and a cape, that might be a bit much," She brought her finger to her mouth and tapped her lips a couple of times thinking about her next words. "I think a pair of glasses would go well with that red cape though."

"Yes, that's me," he laughed into her hair, "the man in the silly red sheet. Where do you come up with these ideas?"

"It's not easy to be me…." She sighed dramatically, snuggling closer to him.

"I can only imagine," he turned his eyes back to the television screen as he continued to stroke her hair.


	6. Interesting Tidbits

Kai sat at the kitchen table eating a bowl of cereal and reading the morning paper. He and Mina spent the better part of last night over at Mamoru's house and didn't get home until later than they intended, which is why he slept in so late this morning. By some miracle Mina had allowed him to sleep in and even more miraculously managed to leave the apartment without waking him. It was now close to noon, but right now all he cared about was enjoying this moment of silence. He was midway through the sports section and grumbling about his favorite team's recent loss when Mina finally arrived home. She took off her shoes and dropped all of her bags by the door, crossing the room to kiss him on the cheek before settling into the chair to his right.

"Good morning, sleepyhead," she giggled.

He looked up at her from his paper, grimacing at the use of that name. "I didn't think you'd be home so early," he mumbled, turning his eyes back to the paper.

"Do you plan on getting dressed today?" she asked, eying him up. He wore a pair of gray pajama pants with no shirt – of which she took extra notice. "Not that I'm complaining…."

"I'll get around to it," he grumbled turning the page.

"So I have something that I want you to look at real quick," she held a magazine in her hands.

Kai looked up and frowned as he read the 'Cosmo' label across the top. "Mina, how many times do I have to tell you that I'm not reading _that_ magazine?"

"You don't have to read the whole magazine, grumpy," she laughed. "There's just one quick column I want you to look at."

"No," he shook his head and looked back to the newspaper in front of him.

She frowned as he took another bite of his cereal, completely disinterested in her. "Joel read this with Rei," Mina insisted.

"I just lost whatever respect for him that I may have had."

"Why would you say that?"

"He's a guy reading a girl's magazine - need I say more?"

She opened the magazine to a page she had dog-eared and held it out in front of her. "It will just take a second," she insisted.

"Not interested," he shook his head taking another bite.

"I really think you want to -,"

"No, Mina," he said firmly, turning the page of his newspaper again.

"Fine," she said standing up. "The column's called '10 Ways to Spice up Your Night', but if you're not interested then don't worry about it."

He took another bite of his cereal and grumbled to himself over the headline in front of him. Suddenly realization took over and he reached over grabbing the magazine from her hands, his eyes quickly skimming the article. He tossed the magazine back to her and continued reading the newspaper with a grin forming on his lips. "We already do all 10 of these."


	7. Clothing Must be Worn

The prompt for this drabble was a picture of a sign saying "Clothing Must be Worn Beyond This Point". That being said...

--

"Makoto!"

Nick's head shot up and his entire body froze. "What was that?" he whispered.

"I completely forgot!" Makoto hissed, her hands covering her face.

"Are you here?" the woman's voice called out from the living room.

"Forgot what?" he asked peeling her hands back.

"Mina and Kai were supposed to come over for dinner tonight," she groaned.

"So how is it that she's now standing in our living room when we never even heard her knock?"

"I gave her a spare key in case of an emergency."

"So she used it?"

"She always uses it."

"Makoto!" Mina's voice rang out.

"Maybe if we're quiet they'll leave," Nick buried his face into her bare shoulder and pulled the blanket over their heads.

"That's not nice," she chastised him, pulling the blanket back down to expose their bodies. "Just a minute, Mina!" Makoto shouted.

"Makoto," they could hear Mina chuckling outside of the bedroom door. "Are you doing what I think you're doing?"

"Please go away," Nick groaned.

They could hear the sound of Mina's laughter followed by the sound of Kai's voice. His quieter tone was muffled by the door acting as a barrier between them. Makoto and Nick pulled themselves out of bed and hurriedly threw their clothes back on before walking out into the living room. Mina and Kai were seated on the couch whispering to each other until they realized that they were no longer alone.

"Go ahead and say it," Makoto said dropping down onto the arm of the nearby recliner.

Mina could barely contain her grin and Kai sat next to her with a smile pulling at his lips. "Say what?" she asked innocently.

"Whatever it is - just spit it out already."

"Kai and I were just wondering if maybe we were overdressed for dinner," she giggled.

"Funny girl," Nick said with a flat tone. "How about you Kai? I'm sure you must have some dig you'd like to get in."

"Not in the least," he shook his head. "Although you may want to put up a sign up warning people at which point clothing must be worn."


	8. Turkey Day Bloopers

This is it! The final installment of The Pig Chronicles! Enjoy! (And please review!)

Just a quick note - I do not own these characters or the wonderful source of amusement dubbed the wii!

--

"Usagi, this looks perfect!" Makoto gushed as Mamoru carved the turkey.

Usagi looked happily at her as she finished setting the table. "I followed the instructions just like you said," she responded proudly as she leaned over to light the candles on the table. As she leaned over her hand landed in the bowl of mashed potatoes, and she quickly looked around to make sure no one had seen her as she hastily wiped her hands on her apron and stirred up the mashed potatoes to hide the evidence.

Makoto and Mamoru were in the kitchen putting some finishing touches on the Thanksgiving dinner while everyone else was gathered in the living room watching as the team of Zane and Ami were beating Kai and Mina at a game of Wii tennis. Mina frowned as she easily missed at another attempt to return the served tennis ball. Zane high fived Ami and they started to do a little victory dance as the score flashed on the screen. Mina watched as Ami served the next ball and Kai easily returned it. As Zane prepared to hit the ball she stomped on his foot, causing him to nearly drop his Wii-mote as he yelped out in paid. The tennis ball sailed past him and earned a point for her team. She turned to Kai and smiled triumphantly as their first point flashed across the screen. Zane scowled at her with his Wii-mote raised as if he were going to take a swing at her. Kai, in an attempt to keep the peace, quickly moved her to his left side so that he stood between her and Zane. Ami laughed behind her hand at the antics of her friends. She watched as Mina accidently swung her Wii-mote to serve the ball and quietly volleyed it back, earning her and Zane the winning the point. Everyone looked up to see the victory sign being flashed on the screen and all turned to look at Ami in shock as she slowly slipped the Wii-mote's band from around her wrist. Nick sat on the couch with the small pig curled up next to him, chuckling at the antics of his friends. Rei and Joel had squeezed into an overstuffed recliner and were too involved in their own discussion to notice the Wii war going on around them.

Mamoru looked over at Usagi stirring the mashed potatoes and leaned over to whisper to Makoto, "I can't believe we got away with it again this year."

"Of course we did. She never pays attention to what we're doing," Makoto laughed quietly as she put the pulled the sweet potato casserole from the oven. "I would advise taking out the trash before dinner so that she doesn't discover the evidence if you know what I mean."

"We've been getting away with this for the past couple of years, I'd hate to get caught now."

"Exactly," she lifted the casserole from the counter and started to walk away but stopped to lean over and whisper into Mamoru's ear. "Maybe next year you can tell her to thaw the turkey so that I won't have to switch hers with my own."


End file.
